If You Actully Loved Me
by SonOfPoseidon1998
Summary: "If you actually loved me you wouldn't have the need to humiliate me and put me down every other turn" came James voice. (Lily comes out to James, but he had trouble believing her)


"If you actually loved me you wouldn't have the need to humiliate me and put me down every other turn" came James voice, with a steely determination. "If you actually cared a little about me, you wouldn't find it entertaining or alluring to make me feel like I'm worthless, and so beneath you."

Lily could not meet his eyes, for every word that was thrown at her hit her like a truth bus. She didn't do those things out of spite, or hate, but out of fear. But whatever was the reason she had to do those things, she still did them, and she could see now that it had hurt him so much that she was starting to feel the world crumble with her guilt.

"If you actually did love me" went on James "you'd know that the opinion of those whom you love is important, and you are one such person to me. Every time you insulted me, looked at me with disgust, like I wasn't worth the dirt on your feet, it broke me, piece by piece. And now you are asking me to give you those pieces that I could salvge and stick together? You want me to give you the very same heart that you had no qualms breaking and stomping?"

"I... I..." She couldn't find the words, did she really do those things? Was she really thag heartless and cruel with him? She never thought that anything she could do would affect him thay much, but clearly she'd been wrong, cause here he was, and clearly he wasn't fine, not even by a longshot.

"I know that there was a time when I did deserve to be put down a few pegs, and believe me, I'm not proud of a lot of the things I did. I made my best effort to change, to let people see that I was not just a jerk and a bully, but rather a nice, although sometimes immature, boy. And overtime people were able to accept and forgive me, they even made me Head Boy for Merlin's sake" James' eyes held so much pent up hurt and dejection, and it was eating Lily alive that he had to live with that and that she caused it. "But never you. I tried and tried to make you notice me in a new light, but you were so hell bent on making me out to be the bad guy that you never cared about anything else, not my feelings, or my heart or anything."

"James, I... I'm really sorry, truly I am, I don't even know what to say, or how to show you how terribly and utterly sorry I am. I... I didn't do all those things out of hate or out of some sick sense of accomplishment or anything of that sort. I was scared of how you made me feel, and how you could have that effect on me that I pushed you away in hopes of stopping having feelings for you, but I never realized how... what my words... how they would..." she couldn't even say those words, that would make it too real, that would make everything that happened this evening too real and worst of all, it would make it her fault, and she knew it was, but right now, accepting it fully, bringin it to reality with words would break her, and there was one too many people broken already in that tower and now it was her time to be strong for both of them, she owed it to him.

"So that makes it okay, huh? You were scared, and that makes everything fine? Because I was terrified too, I was on a plane about to jump off with you with only one parachute and instead of sharing it and seeing if it could save is both, you decided that it wasn't worth your time. That I wasn't worth your time... and decided to leave me without parachute, falling to Merlin knows where alone, and to save yourselve. That's what you decided and it's what you got, now you are save, and I'm the one broken and alone, and now you ask more from me? What do you want, huh? My arms, my legs? Do you want my blood? Take whatever you want, you've done it before and you didn't seem to care, so what's different now?"

Lily felt a sudden wave of shame hit her like nothing before, she knew he was right, she had left him alone to fight, and she, like a coward, had turned around and had hidden away, she didn't feel the tiniest bit deserving of her house colors, she didn't feel brave.

No, for the first time, she felt tiny and dirty and cruel, she felt something she had never before, she felt like a bad person, like she wasn't the one worth his time, that she was the one beneath him, and the one that was worthless.

"What can I do, James? Please, I'm begging you, please, tell me that there is a way I can fix this, fix you, fix us. I was stupid, and idiotic and childish. And I get it, I finally do. I was selfish thinking I was the only one afraid." It was so hard to speak through the sobs and the tears, but this needed to be said, she needed atonement, she needed to mend this, she needed him. "You always seemed so confident and sure of yourself and I felt like I was the only one that was nervous and unsure, so I did the only thing that came naturally, and I realize now that I've hurt you and it's eating me inside, it's making me sick with myself thinking about all you've gone through because of me, but I want to fix it, I want to be with you and for you to love me like you did, so openly, so fiercely, so amazingly. And I know that I'm being selfish again and that I'm horrible for asking this of you. But I know how it is to be without you, I've seen how a life without you would be, and frankly, I'd rather have two minutes with you than two lifetimes alone."

He knew he could not resist her much longer, and every time she spoke his determination and will dwindled significantly, and to see her crying and in despair, it made him want to do anything witin his power to stop it, to hold her and comfort her and protect her from this broken and menacing world.

"James, I love you, with all my heart, with all my soul, and you might not believe me, honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but it's the truth, and I can't hold it inside any longer, seeing you in classes and in the corridors, hearing your laughter and your voice, I can't go on like this, I can't go on seeing you hurt and seeing you a shell of what you used to be, and knowing that I caused that, that I destroyed the man I love, so all I'm asking is for a chance, an opportunity to show you how much I love you, how much I want to be with you and hold you, and snog the lights out of you, and just be yours and for you to be mine."

James' eyes held so much meaning, she knew that, those hazel orbs had always mesmerized her, she could see how afraid he was, afraid of her and her words, but she could also see adoration, she could see hurt, but also hope and joy, she could see a broken past, but in the end what truly mattered was that she could see a bright future, one together, as he said those words that she will always treasure: "I've always been yours Lily Evans, broken or not, my heart has always belonged to you, I love you."


End file.
